Sierra Club Unveils Android As Their New Executive Director!

In a shocking announcement outside his San Francisco office, Sierra Club Executive Director Michael Brune,---who only succeeded Carl Pope to that position less than two years ago--- told surprised reporters that he was stepping down in favour of an android developed by technicians attached to an Artificial Intelligence laboratory financed by Texas billionaire T. Boone Pickens. The android will replace Brune and everyone else on the Sierra Club payroll.

Introducing Robo-Pop(e), Mark II

It seems that even the bloated bureaucracies of mainstream environmental organizations are feeling the pinch of the Great Recession, forcing labour-saving economies on even the richest of them. The latest move by the Sierra Club therefore makes sense. Since their high-priced front men have given us robotic answers to perennial questions, why not replace them with a bona-fide robot who will work on the cheap, as American workers have been forced to after the influx of 12-20 illegal immigrants which the Sierra Club has refused to oppose? Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce "Robo-Pop(e) Mark II, designed using long-term Sierra Club director Carl Pope as a template.

Robo-Pop(e) (pictured at right), who goes by the anthropomorphic Christian name of “Carlos”, has now become the sole voice of the Sierra Club, the flagship organization of the environmental movement.

Shocking announcement

In a shocking announcement made before a hastily assembled press conference outside his San Francisco office, Sierra Club Executive Director Michael Brune,---who only succeeded Carl Pope to that position less than two years ago--- told surprised reporters that he was stepping down in favour of an android developed by technicians attached to an Artificial Intelligence laboratory financed by Texas billionaire T. Boone Pickens. The android will replace Brune and everyone else on the Sierra Club payroll.

Response to criticism

The move apparently came in response to long-standing criticism that the bloated $100 million annual budget of the Sierra Club was consumed by an expensive bureaucracy of careerists intent upon growing the Club by continuing to ignore the root cause of America’s environmental degradation (overpopulation). As long immigration-driven population growth remains unaddressed, critics noted, a growing myriad of environmental problems would afflict the country and citizens would turn to the Sierra Club for help, thus ensuring a steady stream of donations and membership dues. Rather than return to its former policy position of favouring restricted immigration, however, the Board of Directors elected to cut costs by appointing an android who would perform all the duties hitherto assigned to the President, the Vice-President, the Treasurer, the Executive Director, the Executive Chairman, the Secretary , the Fifth Officer and ten directors.

      
Michael Brune and  Executive Chairman Carl Pope, are now both out.

Efficiency move

 In “decoupling” the Sierra Club from human guidance,  the outgoing Board has effectively supplanted the robotic control of one entity, the Executive Director, with another ---Robo-Pop---- as well as a dump the salaries and benefits that accrued to employees,  including medical, dental, vision, life insurance options, flexible spending accounts, an employee assistance program, free Sierra Club membership, discounts on Sierra Club outings and books, long term disability insurance, generous holiday and vacation policies as well as a 401k pension plan. As Robo-Pop will work for nothing and live beyond human extinction, the Sierra Club hopes to cut its overhead by 99% and offer proof to its corporate benefactors that it can screw the working class as well as they can.

Carlos speaks Spanish, but that's not all ...

It should also be appreciated that Robo-Pop, or “Carlos” as he is affectionately known  to outgoing staff-----a name made to appeal to illegal Hispanics whom the Club hopes to recruit in gratitude for its stand in favour of porous borders and unenforced federal immigration law---- has been designed to integrate corporate priorities into its deepest thought processes, so that the Club’s donor base can be secured.

 In addition to an amazing array of attributes, which include the ability to take dictation and type at 3,000 words a minute while answering 100 incoming phone calls simultaneously----Robo-Pop  is programmed to speak Spanish and Arabic to appeal to the growing demographic the Sierra Club hopes to pander to as the United States hurtles toward a population of a half billion by mid-century. Nevertheless, Greenwash will remain as the Official Language of the Club, enabling it to network with other mainstream environmental NGOs on the corporate take. Moreover,  Robo-Pop, it has been learned, will also have a regular column with Huffington Post.  Technicians were careful to hardwire ‘progressive’ political cant into its neural circuitry, so that it can lace its doublespeak with words like “diverse”, “inclusive”, “vibrant”, “cooperative”,  “sustainable”, “just” and “equitable”.

Sierra Club tradition of 'smart growth' continues

To test the new “broom”, we phoned the Sierra Club head office and sure enough, Robo-Pop replied in Spanish monotones. Then, after pressing “3” for Greenwash, Robo-Pop spewed out a string of green buzzwords and oxymoronic phrases like "smart growth", referred us to the website for inquiries about population policy and then promptly hung up. The more things change, the more they remain the same.

Tim Murray
October 17, 2011